It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize