I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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