i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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