No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
