i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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