end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
