What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
