You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
