I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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