he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He better not be in your backpack
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
