i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
