I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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