My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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