Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
