I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
MIDGETS
????
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize