Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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