she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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