the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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