i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
