when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
