he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
