shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
