i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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