I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
