i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
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