a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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