i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize