I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
