That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
