I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize