It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
