the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
