I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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