When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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