there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i think i just lost a toe
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize