I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
