I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize