i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
