i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize