Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
