Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
