just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
