Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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