My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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