I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Let's get the cat blown out
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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