wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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