OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
im six kinds of drunk right now
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
