Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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