im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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