So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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