people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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