party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
