You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
