someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
