I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
