Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize