Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
