There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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