1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
