So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
