remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
