Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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